"Why am I depressed most of the time when people are dying on the streets out of poverty? People say that I have everything and that I couldn’t ask for anything more but why do I feel the other way around? Why did I feel so alone?

Because I’m not the type of person who succumb into mediocrity. And I don’t have any other means of entertaining myself. So I do stupid things because I think it’s fun. Like getting piss drunk and taking numerous pills were my mode of entertainment. Little did I know that my actions are hurting the people who love me. But I didn’t stop right away because I didn’t know what I was doing until it was too late. "

i posted this in my previous journal less than a year ago. at that time, i knew i was doing the right thing of not acting stupid. i knew i was a mess for such a long time and did stupid things i didn't know would hurt me and the people around me. i hated the feeling and the way people looked at me so i worked my way out of that craziness and i was so proud to have gone out. people still thought otherwise but in me i knew i would not go back that path.

it's happening again - the boredom which made me walk towards stupidville. right now, im scared. im scared ill do the wrong things again. im scared that i won't be able to fight the urge to do stupid. im scared that if i do fight it, i'd eventually get tired of fighting the urge and just give in.

i don't wanna go back. i really don't. i just don't know if i could do it.

around 3 in the morning of friday, he called me up in a chippy mood, to tell me that his mom woke up and moved to an ordinary room. he gave his phone to his mom. it's sweet to hear someone say "you take care kid. life can be so short." and ended it with a light laugh. i just smiled on my end.

around 2 in the morning of saturday, he called me up. "she's passed." all i heard on the other end was a kid sobbing for a tragic lost. thousands of miles away, i felt his pain and i started to cry. "i'm sorry" was all i could say.

Aren't they just cute?

This is the first long weekend I spent in Manila (well, most parts of it). Well I guess it’s about time I hide from the sun.

2007.05.12 – Farm and Alcohol Ban
Saturday, I gathered up enough courage to go to Nueva Ecija for the mango harvest. Luckily, nothing chaotic happened and I was able to get back to Manila on time for the last few hours before the alcohol ban. Around 10:30pm, I went to Sidebar where I met up with Noel and Dan. By midnight, we were all sober and thirsty for more alcohol. Thank God for the diner which served alcohol until we were beat near my place.

2007.05.13 – Election Eve and Alcohol Ban
We were all frustrated that we could not enjoy a pitcher of Mango Mandarin at Cena. So we checked the rules and found out that the liquor ban only covers selling and purchasing alcohol. We still had that bottle of Black Label and Tanduay which made us tipsy while we were watching the preparations for the election. It was surprising to know that my friends and I are actually capable of talking about something else other than showbiz and common friends.

2007.05.14 – DJ, Move out, Election Day
I got home around 1:30pm with only a few hours of sleep. I got a message from Dear Mr. DJ that he is in Manila to see me for a few hours since he needs to leave for Netherlands to check on his mom. He doesn’t know when he’ll be back so he won’t make it to the drinking session this Wednesday and he’ll try his very best to make it to my party. Sad and happy but I had a smile on my face the whole day. I’m scared that he might forget about me when he gets back to his country but I guess we’ll just see right?

Tin, my former roomie, moved out of the apartment. It felt weird seeing an empty room right across mine.

Lately, I have been such a magnet of people who recently parted ways with their partners and I guess I can be included in that group too. Some conversations are heart aching, some stories are so cliché and some are fall-off-your-chair funny. So I made a list of the weirdest, most cliché, funniest breakup lines I’ve heard from my own and friends’ experiences:

1. “I felt used “ – This coming from a guy who asked her girlfriend to pay for parking, for gas – for his car. This guy who only treated the girl one time in their almost one year of being together. Oh and this guy also asked his girl to make his projects since they were in the same field. Physically used? Hmmm… He can’t even be called a trophy boyfriend.

2. “You’re too perfect for me” – Since when did perfection become the perfect reason for the perfect breakup? Is it the same as “it’s not you, it’s me” only in a higher level of flattery?

3. “I think you should start dating so you can move on” – since when is using someone as a rebound partner acceptable? Imagine that coming from a sort of ex-boyfriend who is trying to do a guilt-free thing by offering such an advice. I may not be that wise enough but I would never advice any of my depressed friends to date until they figure out what they want when they’re alone.

4. “bigla ako na-bad vibes” – I guess no explanation is needed for this.

5. “Aalis ka? O sige break na lang” – I never thought a breakup could be so casual and so emotionless. The guy was leaving for another country and the girl was trying to stop herself from crying when she found out. She was stopping the pain so she said it in a very casual tone paired with a smiling face. Believe me, she loved the guy so much.

6. “, yo na” – This was sent as an SMS. If I had my name in the first part of the phrase, I would have thought someone was inviting me over for a cigarette (yo = short for yosi). But the girl actually meant “ayoko na” The guy replied with “what?” and the girl never replied.

7. “I don’t wanna talk to you ever again! I hate you! …(wait 10 seconds)….Are you ok?” – When you break up with someone, is it even legal to ask if the other person is ok? Isn’t the answer supposed to be a given?

8. “I am too mature for you” – isn’t it biased to claim the exact level of our maturity? Come on! Choose your words well next time! It is a bitch to deal with a break up, so why do you have to be so harsh and drag their self-esteem down?

9. “Akala ko kasi laro lang” – I actually laughed my heart out when I heard this story. The guy courted the girl for more than a year and after a year he finally had the courage to ask “Will you be mine?” (exact words). So the girl said yes and after a year the guy dumped her with that line. All I said was maybe you should have asked if he could be yours just so they were clear that the feeling was mutual.

10. “Well, you see I have a girlfriend in the US… and you’re my girl here. I don’t know who to break it off with. She’s nice but she has traits I just can’t live with. And you’re very pretty and smart and you give me time. Help me here,” – The girl didn’t know he had another girl in the US. When she found out he confronted him crying and those were his exact words. Was he seriously asking her advice?

WARNING: some of you may not understand the stories for only my precious few friends know what i'm getting at.

yesterday, i was crying my heart out over something most of my friends would say is not worth my tears. i guess they all felt the anguish and hurt with every amplified word that came out of my mouth. so we drank the night away and i went home drunk. i wanted to get so wasted so i would throw up and hopefully release every bad joojoo there is in me.

this morning, i went to the doctor for a follow-up check up.... and guess what!!! surprise surprise...apparently what's causing the imbalance in that area has been resolved while the other problem can be answered by taking several medications. i haven't had that kind of smile in a long time. so yes, i do not have to be in a hurry and i will be capable of having my own you-know-what in the future.

on my way to work, i heard a phone ring. the driver didn't seem to mind so i picked up the phone and cancelled the call since it was running low on battery. i sent an SMS to the number calling and told her that the phone is safe with me. after two hours, the girl picked up the phone from my office. i haven't felt that good about myself for the longest time.

i guess life and me are really not that shitty. i guess i just really had to release the bad joojoo in me.

Current Mood: calmness

I did it again last night. Although I claim to think before I speak, maybe I am really tactless after all. Ever since the start of this year I’ve given comments to 6 friends of mine which caused them to be pissed at me for a while – comments which were better off shelved for a more appropriate timing.

i guess my friend was right about it. It was how I said it – raw, honest and brutal – that it actually hit them head on. Do not get me wrong. I do not say these things because I see them as something bad or wrong.

Some love that about me. Some see me as the destroyer of their concept of themselves. Some see it as a challenge. But that’s how I see them and that’s just how I am – raw and brutal.

I have never been to Palawan. So when a friend of mine invited me and a few of our common friends to stay with his family during the holy week, I said yes without considering the money or schedule concerned.
 

 

2007.04.05

With our flight delayed, we reached Puerto Princessa land by 11:00am. Lunch time, all I can say is WOW. Imagine how much food they serve during medieval feasts – that’s exactly how much they served for lunch. Halabos na hipon, crabs, adobong pusit, sweet and sour lapu lapu, sinigang na isda, watermelon and mangoes. 
  

 

After lunch we headed to the beach house where we were to spend our first night in Palawan. Again, B-E-A-U-T-I-F-U-L. This time we mean it not like Galera beautiful. We stayed in a log house owned by a kindergarten teacher who treated us like kids. We changed to our swim clothes and hit Sulu Sea. Wave after wave we decided to go back and wash up. Dinner time – D-E-L-I-C-I-O-U-S. Shrimp and crab for dinner is just the perfect combination for a beach meal.

   

That night we witnessed an orange moon, bonded with Tita Violy (Avery’s mom) and bonded a little more over cans of beer.

 

2007.04.06

I woke up to Avery’s voice – “Sarap ng tubig oh. Dali high tide! Gising na!” Since no one was getting up, he took the courage of going into our cottage and turning off the electric fan. When he said food is served I immediately got up and changed to my swim clothes.

  
Around 3pm we were on the road back to the Palay’s residence. Pretty laid back night – just videoke, scrabble, tong its and pusoy dos.

 

2007.04.07

Around 7am, the van picked us up for our half a day of tour to the underground river. We took a 2 and a half hour van ride (half of which is rough road a.k.a abortion road) to Sabang which is the port going to the underground river.

  

Good thing there was no trekking involved! Just a short walk after the motor boat to the fiber boat which took us to the underground river. The stalactite and stalagmite formations inside were truly breath-taking. I would give the tour guide A for knowledge of the place and another A for effort to make us laugh.

 

 
We had lunch in Sabang overlooking South China Sea. Delicious buffet lunch with fresh buko juice while listening to and watching the waves and sand brushing against my feet is my idea of a perfect vacation.

  
Not able to swim during the tour, Tita Violy took us to Asturias where we took a dip in the pool and enjoyed a glass of our favorite shake. We washed up and had dinner at Kinabuchs – a famous bar and grill. The food was awesome but I was not that impressed since they didn’t have shrimp and mussels that night. Feeling beat we went home to get some sleep.

 

2007.04.08

We woke up realizing it was the day before our flight back. Booo. We just tried to enjoy the rest of the day.

 

We had breakfast at Elmer’s – Avery’s uncle’s place which is popular for its processed produce. Siomai, tocino, sausage, longganisa, pares – all amazing! We took with us a bilao of siomai, a kilo of pork tocino, a kilo of beef tocino, 3 pieces of sausage and chicharon.

 
We hit the road and rented a boat for a day of island hopping. Remember Charlene Gonzales’ statement “high tide or low tide?  7,107 for high tide and 7,108 for low tide” – I will have to disagree with her. In Palawan alone, several islands, not just one, sink during high tide.

  
Our first stop was Snake Island. We loved the place so much we forgot hunger – we, of all people, forgot we needed to have lunch. Mr. Butanding himself, who tires easily, requested for several 10 minute extensions.

  
When we finally decided to leave paradise, the boatmen took us to Starfish Island where we had our lunch. This place is one notch lower than Snake Island due to its sharp shells on the shore but everything else was awesome as well.

  
At 3pm, with tired legs and arms and roasted skin, we decided to head back home. Dinner was, as always, sumptuous. We were dead tired around 11pm.

 

2007.04.09

Flight back home. We all didn’t want to fly back to congested and polluted Manila but we all have to go back to reality. 4pm – touch down Manila.

 

Palawan is WOW Philippines. People are hospitable, the views are amazing, the food is great, their cost of living is low, the island is unpolluted and they have a great leader. I would surely wanna go back to Palawan to visit any of its world-renowned jewels – Aman Pulo, Dos Palmas, El Nido – and to visit the friends we’ve made in Palawan. Thanks to the family of Avery Palay for making us feel welcome and comfortable during our stay in Palawan.

With no plans of visiting the farm, I have been forced by obligation to go with Mommy to Palayan, Nueva Ecija. I slept at 2am for my previous night’s sleep and I woke up at 5:30am so we could leave at 6am. Yeah I was grumpy.

 

Don’t you just hate campaign season? We spent more than an hour in San Miguel, Bulacan because their Mayor candidate was having a motorcade and giving free gasoline to those who are participating. Whoever you are, were you even aware that you were causing horrendous traffic along national road?

  

At 12:30noon we reached Palayan. Not much has changed since my last visit. The mango trees are still there, the pond is still there – although the pond now has a bridge, the concrete house is still there and Amang is still there.

 

I didn’t get a chance to look around but from what I’ve seen and heard, I would like to believe that things will start to look up for the farm and for my family.

Current Mood: coolness

The last time I was in Puerto Galera was in year 2005. Feeling lost after a night out, I took a cab to Buendia, took the bus to Batangas and took the earliest boat ride to White Beach…alone. I bought myself shorts, sarong and a shirt and stayed by the shore until it was noon just so I could clear my head. At 1pm, I was on my way back to Manila. That was my 5^th time on that island.

 
  

This year, I went to Puerto Galera as a pre-despedida for Rex and pre-birthday celebration for Paul and Jason. And of course, I wanna tan myself after missing my chance summer of 2006. The place where we stayed was not really as impressive as I thought it would be judging from my previous stays in Galera. Their idea of Al Fresco dining was not really our idea of fun dining because from the rooftop of the building where we’re staying we see a building under construction to our right and another building right in front of us covering our view of the shoreline. Being with GOPS guys we turned such a disappointment into sarcasm. We all just agreed that the comment “It’s so beautiful!” says it all.

 

We had so much lined up that we never had enough time to sleep during our three-day stay in Galera. The first night inuman was one of the highlights of the trip. There were 9 of us. We ordered 5 pitchers of Mindoro sling and more than three bottles of beer for each person.  I don’t even remember what we were talking about that night that but I remember it to be full of laughs. Nope I wasn’t that drunk and nope I didn’t black out. 
  

 

When I said I wanted to go to Puerto Galera, I meant I wanted to have fun in the beach. On our second day, we went trekking which almost killed me. Imagine 1 hour and 15 minutes of walking a 60-degree slope under the sun. I am not a mountaineer and I walked my longest walk two years ago so imagine my pain. Although having a hard time laughing, I still managed to laugh at moments like someone stepping on a carabao landmine and someone almost drowning because he wanted to prove himself as macho.
  

 

  
Other activities were banana boat ride which proved someone’s attachment to bananas. We also had our tattoos and hair braids done over glasses of Manalo’s milky fruit shakes. We played volleyball after a tipsy afternoon beer session – by the way, you losers still owe us a round of alcohol. Island hopping and snorkeling during the last day for half of the group and the other half decided rest and tan under the sun. 
  

 

We may not have the best accommodations in White Beach nor the hottest body in the beach but all in all this trip to Puerto Galera with Ground Ops proved that the company you are with decides whether a vacation is a woohoo or booyoo – I shall say it was a woohoo!

Current Mood: yiiipeee
Current Music: Beach Boys - Kokomo